Love in the Midst of Despair
by Marie Bishop
Summary: Natalie has to find a way to survive another day in her very own hell called the Sanctuary. That reason shows up in the form of a red neck prisoner.
1. chapter 1

_Rock a bye baby_

 _On the tree top_

 _When the wind blows the cradle will rock..._

"Mommy?" I say as I'm walking down the hallway of our house to my room

 _When the bough breaks the cradle will fall_

 _And down will come baby cradle and all..._

I walk up to my mom and touch her shoulder while she rocks in her chair and she turns around and BAM! shes a walker.

I wake up in a cold sweat. I should be used to this by now. Every night for the last month I have had the same dream about my mom. She used to sing that song to me when I was little and I couldnt fall asleep because I was scared of the "monsters". I laugh now looking back on it because I never thought that the monsters I was afraid of would come to life. Nor would I ever anticipate having to face this hell all alone.

I wake up and the sun is barely shining over the Sanctuary and I start to wonder what the day has in store for me. I want to go outside the walls and maybe try and find some more pancake mix to cook tonight when I cant sleep then decide against it because there is no way I will be able to get out of this hell hole without a fucking babysitter. Apparently having a _vagina means you are not allowed to function as an adult._

I throw on some clothes and go for a walk and I make it outside just in time for Negan and his band of merry men to pull in. Must have been an eventful night, usually they're back by sundown. I heard rumblings through the Sanctuary that Negan found the "bastards" who killed the men at our compound and was going to make them pay and last night was the night. Negan is always "eye for an eye" or "Im gonna take half your shit because I protect you" blah blah blah.

If you ask me those men got what they deserve. Of course I would NEVER say this out loud but Karma is a motherfuckin bitch and after terrorizing people for as long as he has, something was bound to happen. The sad part is I know he didnt go after those group of people beause he was upset we lost a part of our community. He went after them because he was infuriated that someone out smarted him and got the best of him

I hear him before I see him. It is almost impossible to miss that booming voice.

"Get that piece of shit in a cell. NOW!!"

I peek from around a tree I had hidden behind and see them dragging a disheveled looking man from the RV and kick him into the prison area.

The man is covered in blood and his hair is covering his eyes. My mind can only imagine the things Negan was must have done to him.

I see Negan light a cigarette and talk to Dwight.

"Break him. When its done come and get me."

Negan starts to walk away swinging that fucking bat over his shoulder

"If you do good Dwighty Boy I'll send Sherry your way for the night" He says with a wink.

Dwight just nods and stubs his cigarette out and stomps off.

What a piece of shit. He knows what he did to Dwight and Sherry. Nothing is ever enough for Negan. He will torture you until you're begging on your knees for him to stop and then hell look at you with a smile that never reaches his eyes and hug you and act like hes your savior because he stopped. Trust me I know.

Laying in bed that night, Shocker, I cant sleep. I keep seeing that man in my mind getting his ass kicked into a cell. The saviors, and I use that term very loosely, like to break their prisoners so they become one of us. The way they choose to do that is depiscable. I know right about now that man was probably on the 100th replay of 'Easy Street' and being fed 'dog food'. While emotionally being tortured with whatever Negan had on him. By the time Negan is done with him he will be a shell of the man he once was. For some reason with this guy I just cant let that happen. I had to do something, no matter what might happen to me. If Negan was going to kill me he would have done it a long time ago.

I throw on a hoodie and go down to the kitchen to make myself and mystery man some pancakes. Cooking is my therapy. Always has been since I was a kid. I get it from my dad. He always used to tell me " _There is no problem that cant be fixed without a warm batch of banana nut pancakes_ ". Of course supplies are scarce at the moment so im lucky if I even have pancake mix never mind bananas or nuts but somehow sitting in this big industrial kitchen I can be transported to some of the happiest times in my life. I feel safe. It makes me miss my dad something fierce and I have to swallow that emotion down deep in my gut because when it comes to thinking about my parents its one of those bottomless pits of emotions where I am afraid if i start crying Ill never stop. Last time I let myself succumb to the darkness was 385 days ago. Ill never do that again.

Proud of what I was able to accompish with almost no pancake mix and only one egg I head out with 3 plates to the prison. I spot Dwight sitting in a chair with his feet up smoking a cigarette and playing wall ball against what I am assuming is the mans cell.

He sits up straight when he spots me and groans.

"Natalie what the fuck are you doing here. Im not in the mood for this shit tonight."

I plaster a fake smile on my face and hand him a pancake.

"Take a walk D."

"You cant bribe me with food. The repercussions arent worth it. Even for your pancakes." He says taking a bite.

I huff and give him my food as well.

"Take 2 pancakes, leave the keys and give me 10 minutes. No one will know. Not even him. Im not stupid."

He gets up puts his keys down and walks away.

"You owe me Nattie. 10 minutes thats it. I dont know what you want with that one. Hes not even talking."

I take the keys and try to figure out which one works all the while talking to Dwight.

"D, I remeber when you were broken and burnt to a crisp and all alone and I was there. Not Sherry, me. You know how I am, I see something that is broken I try to fix it. I cant help it. No one deserves to be abandoned. Even in this fucking place."

He just looks at me and nods with acceptance. He knows better then to fight me when I got my mind set on something and whether he wanted to admit it or not, he knew I was right.

"10 minutes Natalie" he says as he takes his plate and walks off.

I walk in the cell and what I see takes my breath away, and not in a cute romantic sort of way. A gut punching, heart stopping way. I see the man laying on the ground in what I can only assume is a mixture of piss, sweat and vomit.

He blinks hard and jumps back into the corner when the light hits him and it breaks my heart all over again. I realize in that moment he probably thought I was Dwight or even worse Negan.

I kneel down and grab his arm talking in a hushed voice.

"Hey shh, shhh, its okay. My name is Natalie. Im here to help you."

I try to push the hair back from his face so I can see his eyes, but he pushes my hand away and stares at the ground.

"I brought you some food. Pancakes is kind of my specialty."

I push the plate towards him and he just looks at me with sheer terror and I realize he probably thinks Im the good cop to Dwight's bad cop and I was sent here to posion him.

"Ill tell you what. How about I take a bite and then you can see its safe and realize Im not one of those savages sent here to torture you."

He looks at me quick and nods.

I nod back afraid If I smile at him he will run to the other side of the cell and I will lose what little progress I have made with him.

I cut into the pancake and take a big bite making sure to get syrup on it to as to not leave anything to chance.

He sees me swallow and waits a couple minutes and is still staring at me.

"If it was posioned I would be showing some sort of symptoms by now. Eat it. I probably only have about 5 more minutes in here and I need to take all evidence with me. So whatever you don't eat is going to get thrown out and youll be left with whatever slop they are giving you."

That was just the push he needed and he inhaled the pancake and gave the plate back to me.

He moves in the cell to try and get comfortable with me in here with him and I notice a picture on the floor. I pick it up and look at him with utter horror. He has tears in his eyes and i see this man is utterly broken.

"Jesus Christ what did they do to you?"

He barely whispers and says "I did that"

I look at him in disbelief brushing away the tears that threaten to fall.

"Listen to me. You did not do that. It was that sick fuck and his precious bat. This is what he does. He shatters your world and then makes you think its your fault its happenning. Its wrong. This is not on you. This is on him."

I pick up the picture and look at it again.

"That man, was he your family?"

He just nods. Guess we are back to charades.

"Well from what I can see you loved him very much. Losing family is hard. Trust me I know. But If he even cared for you half as much as you cared for him he wouldn't want you to be doing this to yourself, like some sick form of self mutilation. Remember he isnt here now, you are"

He doesn't say anything just stares at the wall and I can tell hes crying by the way his shoulders are shaking.

Suddenly there is 2 pounds on the door and I know my time is up. He jumps and pushes me behind him to protect me. His reaction takes me by surprise and I cant help but smirk.

"Woah killer its okay. I might be tiny but I can handle myself. That's just D letting me know I have to go."

I help him sit down and grab his hand and to my surprise he lets me.

"Ill try and get back tomorrow if I can"

I stand up and brush off my pants and go to leave when I hear a raspy voice.

"Daryl"

I turn around shocked almost unsure of what I heard.

"Excuse me"

"My name. Its Daryl"

I smile and say "Well Daryl its nice to meet you. Little hint, when that god awful song comes on, try making up your own lyrics. Might help a little."

And with that I am gone. Dwight closes the cell and just looks at me.

"Going to open up a shelter for lost puppies next Nat?"

I look at him and walk away flipping the bird saying "Id watch out if I were you Dwighty. Don't want the big bad Negan finding out about you and Sherry's little stair romantic rendevous."

I tiredly make my way back to my room and shut the door. I take off my hoodie and start to climb into bed hoping I can actually sleep tonight. I let my hair down and turn around and scream when a light turns on and I see HIM sitting in my rocking chair in the corner.

"Jesus fucking christ!! You scared the shit out of me!!"

I hold my chest willing my heart to stop pounding.

He places the bat down and starts chuckling. He stands up and walks over to me putting his hands on my shoulders.

"Tsk. Tsk. Now is that any fucking way to be talking to your dear old dad."

I look at him with disgust and dissapointment.

"Hello _father_."


	2. Two

"So where were you in the middle of the goddamn fucking night."

I sit on my bed pissed off at myself because I knew I should have been more careful. I would say a couple times a month my wonderful father decides to remember he has a daughter. Guess that was tonight. I need to pay more attention to the timing in between these "heartfelt" father daughter moments.

"I could ask you the same thing. What are you doing lurking in the hallways and in my room in the middle of the goddamn fucking night?" I bite back.

He slams that fucking bat down and makes me jump. Inwardly I cringe. Must have gone to far with the attitude this time.

"I run this shit little girl. I can fucking go wherever I want at whatever time I fucking want. Need I remind you I don't like having to tell my people-"

I scoff. "Your people! Im your fucking daughter!"

He stands and gets in my face. "And as my daughter you are supposed to respect me! If people see I cant control my own kid then how are they supposed to fall in line. One bad apple can ruin the whole bunch Natalie and I am NOT going to let you destroy what we have here."

He sits down and I know he is bluffing. So I push harder. "Oh you scare me Negan. What are you going to do bash my head in with mommy dearest."

Something flashes in his eyes as he sits down and he rubs his forehead. Someone less trained on Neganisms would mistake it as compassion. But I know better. That's the look he gets when he knows Im right. It's a look of defeat. Doesn't last long. But its nice when it happens.

"I would never do that to you Natalie." He says grinding his teeth trying to control his temper.

I laugh. "That's right I forgot your father of the year."

He pinches the bridge of his nose and I know I got him. Sometimes I can see traces of the man who was once my father and this is turning out to be one those moments.

"I came to your room to check on you. I heard you screaming the other night and I was gone last night so I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm fine." I try to say hiding the disbelief that he actual gives a shit.

"You are not fine. You always say I don't care. Well here I am, caring." He is actually making eye contact which is new for him so I decide to throw him a bone if you will.

"I haven't been sleeping because I've been having nightmares."

"Mom?" he breathes out asking absentmindedly twirling Lucille in his hand. Something he does whenever the topic of my mother is brought up and that's why I avoid it. If only she could see him now.

"Yeah. So I wake up, apparently screaming, and I go to the kitchen and cook myself some pancakes. Then pig out and go to bed. End of story."

He chuckles. "We used to do that when you were a kid. I can remember sleeping in bed and there would be a thunder storm or you thought the monsters were coming and all of a sudden I would be shaken awake by you and that damn teddy bear. You remember?"

I smile. Of course I remembered. "Yeah Mr. Cuddles. All I wanted to do was wake up and get to you because I knew you would make the bad things go away."

"I would pick you up and we would go to the kitchen in the middle of the night and make banana nut pancakes. We would stay up for a couple hours talking, cooking and eating." He smiled.

"I know. The best part was when we would wake up the next morning and Mom would come down and the kitchen was a complete mess and she would be cleaning saying how those damn raccoons keep getting in the house messing everything up."

"And I would wink at you, kiss your mom on the cheek and tell her I would call an exterminator." He had a sadness in his eyes when he spoke. Something I hadn't seen in years.

"I just love how she knew what we were doing and she would still wake up and make pancakes that same morning like we didn't just have them 3 hours before. God I miss her." I say with tears in my eyes and I have to look away. No sliding into the darkness tonight. Not with him. Not ever.

He's silent like he always is when he can tell I am getting emotional about her. I know its because he doesn't know what to say. The man who used to calm all my fears is long gone and he doesn't know how to handle me now.

He looks up. "If you ever need me. Ya know sometimes at night. Im only a hallway away. I can come down and make pancakes with ya."

I scoff. "Yeah I tried that once. Guess it was Ambers night and that was wayyyy more important."

I suddenly become infuriated. How dare he come in my room. Playing the dad card. Making me think I can have someone who died a long time ago when the world went to shit.

He stands up. "Im still your dad"

He comes over to kiss my forehead. "No. You're Negan now."

He walks over to pick up "mom" and says "You got me there kid" and leaves.

Thankfully there are no nightmares that night. But sleep doesn't come. I toss and turn thanks to the mind fuck my dad just put me through. Why does he care all of a sudden. It almost brims up hope in my soul and then I have to push it down because it will only end in disappointment. Like all the other times have.

During the day I was exhausted. I even took a nap which I never do. When I finally wake up I am told by Roger that I am going on a run tomorrow. I look up and see Negan staring down on us from the roof. Daddy must think some time out of the Sanctuary will do me good. I just nod knowing there is no use in arguing and thinking maybe I do need some time away. Finally at the end of the day when the Sanctuary was quiet. I was able to make my way to Daryl.

I head over with some old muffins due to the lack of bisquick and find Dwight to barter for time with Daryl.

"Ive been waiting for you." He says with the keys already on the desk and his hands out waiting for the muffin. This was way to easy and suddenly I know why.

"Tell step mommy Sherry I say hi!" I say to his retreating back.

I walk into the cell surprised to see Daryl sitting up and less jumpy this time then the last.

"I come bearing muffins. Do I need to taste them this time?" I say playfully sitting down.

He looks at me and shakes his head no and we eat our muffins in silence.

"He wants me to say Im Negan. He wants me to say I am him and all of this" he twirls his finger around "will disappear and I can be one you."

I look at him. "Do I seem like one of them to you? A savior?"

"No. But you are."

Simple and straight to the point. No mincing words with this one.

"Yes I am. If anything though that just shows you can be a savior and not become a savior. Ive told you before that man in that picture would not want you to be like this."

I think I struck a nerve because he kicks the wall and states "That mans name was Glenn and you know nothing about him! I fought back and in return that fucking psycho bashed Glenn's head in right in front of his pregnant wife and blamed me in front of everyone. I get everything I deserve."

I stare at him in disbelief not even comprehending what I am hearing. I feel like I am going to vomit and I hate the blood that runs through my veins because I know I am half his.

"I would say I am sorry that happened to you and your family but sorry just doesn't seem to encompass what happened to you." I say my voice barely above a whisper.

He blows out a deep breath and stares at me with tears in his eyes and I can tell he regrets the explosion he just had.

"What happened to your family?"

"Dead."

"Mom, dad siblings?" he asks not believing me.

"All dead and I was an only child. So its just me."

"Before or after everything ended."

It has been a long time since Ive been personal with anyone but for some reason I feel like in this cell, as weird as it may sound, Im free. "My mom died when I was 12. She had stage 4 breast cancer. At first we were all really positive and hopeful and no one ever mentioned the word hospice or death only treatment and remission. Then her scans kept coming back worse and worse and she was starting to get terrible back pain. That's when they told us it spread to her spine and there was nothing they could do. Me and my dad spent weeks by her bed side basically just watching her waste away. Towards the end she didn't even know who we were. Then she was just gone. That was about a year before everything ended. Some nights I have these dreams, more like nightmares, where shes sitting in my rocking chair singing a lullaby and I run to her and shes a walker. Scares the shit out of me."

He just sits there not knowing what to say I'm sure. I just unloaded years worth of bullshit on him that he clearly didn't need. "Did she..I mean ya know did you..?"

"Have to put her down? No. But when everything happened I always wondered if one day I would find her walking around wanting to eat my face off. Lately its just worse I guess. I feel sick sometimes because honestly I am jealous of her. How horrible is that I am jealous of my dead mother because she didn't have to see all this shit crumbling down around us. She got to miss all that."

"Its not sick. Its normal why wouldn't you want to miss all this. What happened to your dad?"

I have no idea how to approach this. I hate liars but I know I very well cant introduce myself as Natalie Negan. So I decide to go with as much of the truth as I can. " He was by my moms side every waking moment she was sick. But as her scans got worse he got worse. Emotionally and mentally just gone. 2 weeks after the funeral I heard him on the phone with his, what I can only assume was his mistress, and he was breaking things off with her to be a full time dad to me and saying how he owed my mom that. I couldn't forgive him though and our relationship was never the same. Which killed me because the 3 of us were amazing. I truly had the best family. When everything happened and sirens were blaring and walkers were everywhere my dad did the best he could but he died about a month into the outbreak. I didn't have to put him down. He did that all on his own."

"So your all alone?" He asks confused.

"No I have you!" I say half kidding. "Im never alone Daryl. I am surrounded by people 24/7. Its impossible to be alone here. There are eyes everywhere."

"I understand why you did what you did."

"Excuse Me?" Now it was my turn to confused.

"You had no where to go. Negan found you. You had no choice but to survive and become one of them. I get it. But I cant do that. I wont do that." He says with conviction.

I cant tell him he's wrong because if I did I would have to tell him the truth. I know it makes me a horrible person but I am not ready for that.

"You are right Mr… "Dixon" he interjects. " Mr. Dixon, That I can not argue with. But just know one thing, I didn't submit to them because I am some weakling and needed to be cared for. I can handle myself and staying here is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do next to burying my mother. "

The 2 pounds on the door started signaling the end of our time together. I felt a pit in my stomach not wanting to leave him but knowing I had to.

"That's my cue. Listen I wont be around for a little while. I have to go on a run with some of the guys so whatever they feed you, eat it. They ran out of dog food so the meat is deviled ham. Don't wait for me to bring you food because you will starve. Just know not everything is as it seems around here sometimes. Be smart. Ill be back as soon as I can hopefully with pancakes."

I get up to leave and he stands with me and grabs my hand.

"Natalie.." That was the first time he ever said my name. "Be careful"

I blush. "Watch out there Dixon. It almost seems like you care."

He smirks and I leave already counting down the days till I am back here in our prison cocoon.


End file.
